You Know You Have A Problem When...

You know you have a problem when you skip out on going out with friends just so you can weigh yourself. You know you have a problem when you weight yourself 7 times a day, even if all you've eaten is a grape. You know you have a problem when you get an anxiety attack over picking an item from the menu at a restaurant. You know you have a problem when you consume diet pills more regularly that food. You know you have a problem when all you think about is how much weight you have to lose. You know you have a problem when you workout 3 times a day for an hour and think thats still not enough. You know you have a problem when you join every pro-ana site you can find. You know you have a problem when you give speeches in speech and debate about the dangers of eating disorders and then continue to ignore the fact that you're seriously unhealthy. We ignore these problems in ourselves and in others. We think that we aren't sick enough because we haven't been through inpatient therapy. We think we don't have a problem because everyone ignores us. We think we are normal because we aren't underweight and thus we are too fat. This is real and it's happening all around. If some of us don't get help for an eating disorder, we will die. Anorexia kills 1/4 of sufferers. That is the most of any mental disorder. Why do we keep ignoring these things? Why do we keep ignoring the signs that are flashing in red right in front of our eyes? What is wrong with us? We need help. I need help. Eating disorders have been part of my life for years. I need help.

The best thing you can do is let go.

Towards the beginning of this year my most recent relationship fell apart. Letting go was hard and ultimately I was doing well, until the boy decided to say hi again. He once told me that he would come back and we could be friends- that's great; I never expected him to actually come back. I was in shock for a few moments and then realized that my anxiety over the following days had spiked. This wasn't a feeling I liked. I told him I needed time to let myself get into a better mindset and fully understand my surroundings and who I am as a person before I came back. I wasn't ready to be friends. I wasn't ready to talk. I was ready to let go. Maybe this was the goodbye I needed. Maybe I just needed to realize that things weren't going to happen and he is merely destructive to me in the end. All differences aside, I'm thankful that he's okay and I'm hopeful we can embark on a close-knit friendship. But at the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is let go.

How to Handle Stress

Let's be real- school, relationships, work, life in general gets stressful. So far this year I've cut off a relationship, started working, started 2 new leadership roles, and basically I'm going crazy. My stress-release is the gym but with my new diet designed for cutting, my lack of simple carbs is making me cranky. I find it amusing that I genuinely enjoy going to work- pushing carts, bagging groceries, cleaning spills... doesn't sound too glamorous does it? Somehow work is really lovely for me. I love most of my coworkers. When it comes to school, my stress level is breaking me. So at the end of the day.. school still sucks. Love always.

My Experience with Distance

As anyone that reads my blog will know, I take part in long distance relationships all too often. Since I was about 13 people have told me that long distance never works and I even went so far as to "date" boys in England. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Up until about a week ago I believed that I absolutely had to prove the world wrong by making a long distance relationship work. Quite frankly I'm done trying to prove myself. I'm done trying to make something work that will eventually fail. So let me tell you what it's been like. The emotional connection that you have with the person is fun while it lasts. The paranoia and anxiety over what they are doing at all times is heart-attack worthy. The craving to see them is insane. The worst part is, you don't interact with the person physically so you end up making up some things about them so that in your perfect little relationship world, they're perfect. They tell you they don't cheat, you believe them. After all, they make you feel special! Why would they cheat? They tell you they love you, you believe them. After all, they make you feel like you matter to them! Why would they want to use you? But the fact of the matter is, when you see them, sexual matters become a concern and things move far more quickly than perhaps expected. The tension is so huge because of not seeing each other often that it's a bit much to handle. The pain of not being able to send them flowers or surprise them at work or sit with them at lunch is surreal. The pain of time differences is awful. The pain of fighting over distance is not worth it. I've always put 100% of myself into relationships whether they're long distance or in person but the thing is, I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being let down by people that were perfect in my head but ultimately horrible in reality. Sometimes we don't see the dark side of people; not because it's not there, but because we choose not to see it. Our minds are incredibly powerful and when we want to think something is a fact, we will indeed think that no matter what evidence shows otherwise. All you young girls and boys out there that could potentially stumble upon this one of these days: don't do distance. If you've never met before in person and you think it'll work out, it won't. It's a different story when a home town relationships becomes distance but even that is difficult. If you're a teenager and you think you're the exception to the failures of distance relationships, you're not. Don't believe that you are. I believed that I was. Every single time I was in a distance relationship I believed that this time would be the exception. And you know what? Time and time again I'm proven that I am no exception to the failure of distance relationships. Just don't do it. Don't put yourself through that. Take it from me, it won't end well. I'm happy now. But now my happiness doesn't require a boy, it's solely based off of me and I'm so proud of that. Stay strong through no matter what obstacles life throws at you. Lots of love, -Sylvia.

Back to school

It's time to go back! We've come so far. We can do this! I went hiking last weekend in the high tatras and it was like a dream. It was ethereal. I've got to admit I will greatly miss summer but I've made beautiful memories and I won't forget them. I've met amazing people and gone to wonderful new places creating lovely new experiences. I'm lucky I've gotten to see so much of the world at such a young age and I'm blessed with the best people. Thank you ❤️

Slovakian Adventures

This summer has been blissful. I've met so many wonderful people and have created so many new beautiful memories. I've explored a new faith and fallen in love with the world. My friend has been rooming with me for a week now and we decided to go for a Friday outing to go dancing and whatnot but 10 minutes into our adventure we were approached by boys in their low 20s.They said they were visiting Bratislava and wanted 2 pretty girls to show them around so we decided to show them to a few pubs. We ended up spending the whole night with them. My friend went off with one of them and I was stuck with the remaining 2 which wasn't bad but one of them was incredibly touchy which is awkward being taken and all. But it was a night I won't forget. I was flattered to have been approached. This summer I grew. I fell in love and opened my eyes. I'm ready to take on the next year and genuinely enjoy it. Thank you Slovakia. I love you.

New Beginnings

So I met this boy. He's from New York... it's far but he's worth it. It's arguable that I moved on too fast but the thing is, the moment we started talking, things felt right. It was as if I hadn't broken up a few weeks ago. He's a lot like me, we're both heartbreakers but when two heartbreakers come together, the product is beauty. He's different. It's interesting because he's a lot like my ex but he's way way better. He's a sweet heart and he makes me feel so happy. I like him a lot. Nate... please let this work out. Trust me. <3

Escaping reality

Yesterday my Slovak babe and I went to her weekend house in a small village in Slovakia. We grilled chicken and ate chips and then I taught her how to make s'mores. Walking around, we met some cool people and even had our drinks (mineral water) bought for us at the pub we went to. Getting mineral water at a pub? Yeah we're those girls. The best part however was not getting to spend time together and eat good food, it was being away from people we knew and being disconnected from the internet and cell service. We were free from any pressures of society and could at last be ourselves. That's what I value most out of everything. We ended up walking 12 kilometers to get home which was a journey in itself. On the way home we stopped to get some cheese and milkshakes which was amazing. Little moments like these end up making time worthwhile.

Free at last

The thing with breakups is that it takes time. Before my ex and I broke up, I thought it would hurt endlessly to lose him but the thing is I'm free now. I'm free to be who I want to be. I can go to whatever university in whatever state I want to go to, not dictated by his choosing. He's going to certain university? I don't have to go there. He's going to live in a certain state? I don't have to live there. He's going to ignore me for days and then pretend it's all fine? I don't have to deal with that. He's going to make me feel like a pile of dirt because that's what he is? I no longer feel that. I'm free. But for any young girls reading this, if you feel like crap throughout a relationship, that is NOT okay. Don't let yourself be dragged down merely because you think you are in love. And if you hear someone say similar words as I'm saying, don't dare think you're the exception because guess what? You're not. I thought I was. I know now my relationship and feelings were no exception to the status quo. If you feel extreme anxiety and pain because someone is ignoring you and not showing you love, that should show to you nothing less than that you're worth more. I'm incredibly lucky to have my best friend back home, my family over in Slovakia and everyone else supporting me and my decisions. You're never alone. If you crave a relationship, build one on love and don't obsess. If fear is holding you back from loving someone, take a step back and breathe. Think about what really matters. Will you marry this boy/girl? Can you imagine a HAPPY future with them? Do they treat you as kindly as you treat them? Will they always treat you this way? Have they ever intentionally made you feel bad? Do you think about what they're doing with a tightness in your chest all day? Does it frustrate you when they're online but won't pick up the phone or text you? Think about these things. Especially if internally you're questioning your worth and the relationship. The one thing I've finally learned from my last wretched relationship is that I need to trust my feelings and that I'm worth so much more than I realize. But for once I can breathe. For once I don't feel the weight of the world in my heart, for once I'm not rushing to finish high school because my boyfriend is done. Finally I'm me. Finally I'm happy. And guess what? My happiness is not due to a boy. I'm free.

Slovakia

I've been here in Slovakia a few weeks now and I absolutely love it. The people are so sweet, the food is amazing, I walk over 17000 steps per day too! Honestly I've missed it here so much! My best friend is here, we've already created so many new memories. The history behind every village and town is mind blowing. I'm going away for the weekend, no signal or anything which I'm oddly excited for. Sometimes it's nice to leave reality for a bit and find yourself. Also, I made a fitness-related tumblr that anyone who reads this should follow: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fitnessisalifechoice

Heartbreak

So there was this boy, he was a great boy... or so I thought. I was wrong. I dated him for 6 months, flew out to visit him twice and loved him unconditionally. We got along really well and had plans for the future which I held onto. Today I arrived in Slovakia but as I stepped off of the plane in Paris, I noticed that he blocked me on Tumblr and Facebook. I frantically texted him only to receive an immature reply of "I did warn you. But you thought you were different. Special. When all along, you were just another heart in my jar." I hate to break it to you hun, my heart is no longer yours. In fact, it never was. It hurts to lose him but I know its right. There are better people out there, I know I'll find them. I'm worth so much more than this pathetic excuse of a boyfriend. I'm worth it. I deserve it. I'll be okay. I am, after all, imperfectly perfect. "There's no such thing as failure" -Dream on Dreamer Love always, -me.

Post-Warped/Flight #1

Warped was actually kinda fun, I met some bands. I met Escape the Fate, Our Last Night, The Amity Affliction, SayWeCanFly, Consider Me Dead, and some other cool people. It was really hot, I'm pretty sure I sweat out 1/2 of my body weight. The free Monster was actually bad because I drank far too much and got really jittery and in that heat, it wasn't a great idea. I crowd surfed and moshed- you know, the usual Warped endeavors. Today I had to wake up at 5 in order to make it to the airport to catch an early flight to LAX, then 2 more stops until my destination. If LAX lived up to the name I'd be happy but frankly it is the opposite of lax, its like a-lax because this stupid airport is stressful as nothing else. Finally got my MacBook fixed though, highlight of my day.

Warped Tour 2015

Warped Tour is today- I'm really not as excited as I used to be. Maybe it's because it is extremely hot outside (113 degrees!) or simply because I'm growing up. Growing up kinda sucks. I hope I'll meet some cool people, I'm really excited to see The Amity Affliction. Too bad my close friends aren't going, can't blame them though. Leaving the country tomorrow- my schedule is utterly crazy. I got back from Massachusetts last Tuesday, today is Warped, tomorrow is a long series of flights and in the midst of all of that, I've had SAT prep sessions. Woo to being your average over achiever. Until next time.