Don't Look Back

Sometimes, when things end, it's best to leave it at that and move on. The boy that I dated December 2014-June 2015 decided that it would be appropriate to message me again saying sorry. While I appreciate the gesture, it would have been better to leave things alone. The other day he told me he loves me. Something I find really irritating is that he throws those words around like candy. They're supposed to actually mean something, right? Don't come asking for me back when it was you who left. Don't come telling me I'm amazing, that's not what I want to hear. Tell me you're sorry and leave. Or don't come back in the first place. But don't you dare tell me you love me and want me back. You don't know what love is.

The best thing you can do is let go.

Towards the beginning of this year my most recent relationship fell apart. Letting go was hard and ultimately I was doing well, until the boy decided to say hi again. He once told me that he would come back and we could be friends- that's great; I never expected him to actually come back. I was in shock for a few moments and then realized that my anxiety over the following days had spiked. This wasn't a feeling I liked. I told him I needed time to let myself get into a better mindset and fully understand my surroundings and who I am as a person before I came back. I wasn't ready to be friends. I wasn't ready to talk. I was ready to let go. Maybe this was the goodbye I needed. Maybe I just needed to realize that things weren't going to happen and he is merely destructive to me in the end. All differences aside, I'm thankful that he's okay and I'm hopeful we can embark on a close-knit friendship. But at the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is let go.

My Experience with Distance

As anyone that reads my blog will know, I take part in long distance relationships all too often. Since I was about 13 people have told me that long distance never works and I even went so far as to "date" boys in England. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Up until about a week ago I believed that I absolutely had to prove the world wrong by making a long distance relationship work. Quite frankly I'm done trying to prove myself. I'm done trying to make something work that will eventually fail. So let me tell you what it's been like. The emotional connection that you have with the person is fun while it lasts. The paranoia and anxiety over what they are doing at all times is heart-attack worthy. The craving to see them is insane. The worst part is, you don't interact with the person physically so you end up making up some things about them so that in your perfect little relationship world, they're perfect. They tell you they don't cheat, you believe them. After all, they make you feel special! Why would they cheat? They tell you they love you, you believe them. After all, they make you feel like you matter to them! Why would they want to use you? But the fact of the matter is, when you see them, sexual matters become a concern and things move far more quickly than perhaps expected. The tension is so huge because of not seeing each other often that it's a bit much to handle. The pain of not being able to send them flowers or surprise them at work or sit with them at lunch is surreal. The pain of time differences is awful. The pain of fighting over distance is not worth it. I've always put 100% of myself into relationships whether they're long distance or in person but the thing is, I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being let down by people that were perfect in my head but ultimately horrible in reality. Sometimes we don't see the dark side of people; not because it's not there, but because we choose not to see it. Our minds are incredibly powerful and when we want to think something is a fact, we will indeed think that no matter what evidence shows otherwise. All you young girls and boys out there that could potentially stumble upon this one of these days: don't do distance. If you've never met before in person and you think it'll work out, it won't. It's a different story when a home town relationships becomes distance but even that is difficult. If you're a teenager and you think you're the exception to the failures of distance relationships, you're not. Don't believe that you are. I believed that I was. Every single time I was in a distance relationship I believed that this time would be the exception. And you know what? Time and time again I'm proven that I am no exception to the failure of distance relationships. Just don't do it. Don't put yourself through that. Take it from me, it won't end well. I'm happy now. But now my happiness doesn't require a boy, it's solely based off of me and I'm so proud of that. Stay strong through no matter what obstacles life throws at you. Lots of love, -Sylvia.

Slovakian Adventures

This summer has been blissful. I've met so many wonderful people and have created so many new beautiful memories. I've explored a new faith and fallen in love with the world. My friend has been rooming with me for a week now and we decided to go for a Friday outing to go dancing and whatnot but 10 minutes into our adventure we were approached by boys in their low 20s.They said they were visiting Bratislava and wanted 2 pretty girls to show them around so we decided to show them to a few pubs. We ended up spending the whole night with them. My friend went off with one of them and I was stuck with the remaining 2 which wasn't bad but one of them was incredibly touchy which is awkward being taken and all. But it was a night I won't forget. I was flattered to have been approached. This summer I grew. I fell in love and opened my eyes. I'm ready to take on the next year and genuinely enjoy it. Thank you Slovakia. I love you.

Escaping reality

Yesterday my Slovak babe and I went to her weekend house in a small village in Slovakia. We grilled chicken and ate chips and then I taught her how to make s'mores. Walking around, we met some cool people and even had our drinks (mineral water) bought for us at the pub we went to. Getting mineral water at a pub? Yeah we're those girls. The best part however was not getting to spend time together and eat good food, it was being away from people we knew and being disconnected from the internet and cell service. We were free from any pressures of society and could at last be ourselves. That's what I value most out of everything. We ended up walking 12 kilometers to get home which was a journey in itself. On the way home we stopped to get some cheese and milkshakes which was amazing. Little moments like these end up making time worthwhile.

Slovakia

I've been here in Slovakia a few weeks now and I absolutely love it. The people are so sweet, the food is amazing, I walk over 17000 steps per day too! Honestly I've missed it here so much! My best friend is here, we've already created so many new memories. The history behind every village and town is mind blowing. I'm going away for the weekend, no signal or anything which I'm oddly excited for. Sometimes it's nice to leave reality for a bit and find yourself. Also, I made a fitness-related tumblr that anyone who reads this should follow: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fitnessisalifechoice

What if...

What if I'm not enough? What if he finds someone else? What if she learns to hate me? What if I'm not the only one that hates me? What if there is someone better for him out there? What if I can't make it? What if I lied? What if I'm beautiful? What if I'm worthy? What if there's more to me than this pain? What if I do make it through? What if I can't move on? What if I can't let go? What if I need you? What if I love you? What if I lose you? I'll be okay.

End of the year

School ended on Friday. I have to say that it was not like in the movies where everyone is excited to leave. I honestly couldn't care less if school was over or not. I already miss my friends... and some of my teachers. I hardly got to say goodbye to some of my classmates. I keep re-reading my yearbook notes and they almost bring tears to my eyes; only now do I see how much my teachers and friends appreciated my endless work. I appreciate it now, but this last year has been hell. The trip to Durango was an amazing way to end the year but it almost ripped my heart out. I have made so many memories on that trip that I now long to go back. At least I'm going to the Bahamas and Costa Rica and Warped tour. Anyone else going to Warped in Arizona? Hit me up!! Someone kik me at rebelution159 (: Have an amazing summer. I will be sure to make frequent updates for those that actually contact me from here.