Walk Away

Recently, I went to a debate camp thing. I do Policy debate which if anyone knows anything about it, it's hell. I decided that the camp would be a good idea for me to get better and for me to fully get a grasp on the topic and debate style. The camp started and all was good, I was enjoying it; the people were mostly younger than me. We started doing research and practicing debates and then everything around me came crashing down. I was suddenly so stressed and couldn't handle myself anymore, I was counting down hours before I could go home. That was when I realized that it's okay to say goodbye. It's okay to walk away and it's okay to not want to do something anymore. We are so hellbent over committing permanently to something without realizing that commitment doesn't have to be forever. It's okay to put yourself first. <3

Finals

As the end of the year approaches, finals season is upon us. I just wanted to remind any passer-by that you CAN do this. You can push through! I know this time of year is beyond stressful but take a step back and remember your goals, what you're thankful for and take a minute for yourself! Finals suck but they are not the end of the world nor are they impossible. You know more than you think you do and you can do more than you realize. Stressed out at work? Remember to breathe, smile, take one thing at a time and realize that nothing is permanent. No bad feelings last forever and enjoy the fun ones while they last. Just keep climbing! Love always.

Secrets and Lies

We've all got our little secrets or white lies but when is it too much? In all honesty, I've been exploring the world around my through the eyes of someone else. I pretended to be someone else. I basically lived two lives: The one that all my friends were aware of, and the one that no one knew about. So basically only about 30% of people who talked to me regularly, actually knew me. The first round of my double life, I became too stressed out and decided to kill one of me. The second time around I got shut down and now I realize it was for the better. Whatever you're lying about, don't convince yourself that it's okay, it's not. Lots of love.

You Know You Have A Problem When...

You know you have a problem when you skip out on going out with friends just so you can weigh yourself. You know you have a problem when you weight yourself 7 times a day, even if all you've eaten is a grape. You know you have a problem when you get an anxiety attack over picking an item from the menu at a restaurant. You know you have a problem when you consume diet pills more regularly that food. You know you have a problem when all you think about is how much weight you have to lose. You know you have a problem when you workout 3 times a day for an hour and think thats still not enough. You know you have a problem when you join every pro-ana site you can find. You know you have a problem when you give speeches in speech and debate about the dangers of eating disorders and then continue to ignore the fact that you're seriously unhealthy. We ignore these problems in ourselves and in others. We think that we aren't sick enough because we haven't been through inpatient therapy. We think we don't have a problem because everyone ignores us. We think we are normal because we aren't underweight and thus we are too fat. This is real and it's happening all around. If some of us don't get help for an eating disorder, we will die. Anorexia kills 1/4 of sufferers. That is the most of any mental disorder. Why do we keep ignoring these things? Why do we keep ignoring the signs that are flashing in red right in front of our eyes? What is wrong with us? We need help. I need help. Eating disorders have been part of my life for years. I need help.

My Experience with Distance

As anyone that reads my blog will know, I take part in long distance relationships all too often. Since I was about 13 people have told me that long distance never works and I even went so far as to "date" boys in England. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Up until about a week ago I believed that I absolutely had to prove the world wrong by making a long distance relationship work. Quite frankly I'm done trying to prove myself. I'm done trying to make something work that will eventually fail. So let me tell you what it's been like. The emotional connection that you have with the person is fun while it lasts. The paranoia and anxiety over what they are doing at all times is heart-attack worthy. The craving to see them is insane. The worst part is, you don't interact with the person physically so you end up making up some things about them so that in your perfect little relationship world, they're perfect. They tell you they don't cheat, you believe them. After all, they make you feel special! Why would they cheat? They tell you they love you, you believe them. After all, they make you feel like you matter to them! Why would they want to use you? But the fact of the matter is, when you see them, sexual matters become a concern and things move far more quickly than perhaps expected. The tension is so huge because of not seeing each other often that it's a bit much to handle. The pain of not being able to send them flowers or surprise them at work or sit with them at lunch is surreal. The pain of time differences is awful. The pain of fighting over distance is not worth it. I've always put 100% of myself into relationships whether they're long distance or in person but the thing is, I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being let down by people that were perfect in my head but ultimately horrible in reality. Sometimes we don't see the dark side of people; not because it's not there, but because we choose not to see it. Our minds are incredibly powerful and when we want to think something is a fact, we will indeed think that no matter what evidence shows otherwise. All you young girls and boys out there that could potentially stumble upon this one of these days: don't do distance. If you've never met before in person and you think it'll work out, it won't. It's a different story when a home town relationships becomes distance but even that is difficult. If you're a teenager and you think you're the exception to the failures of distance relationships, you're not. Don't believe that you are. I believed that I was. Every single time I was in a distance relationship I believed that this time would be the exception. And you know what? Time and time again I'm proven that I am no exception to the failure of distance relationships. Just don't do it. Don't put yourself through that. Take it from me, it won't end well. I'm happy now. But now my happiness doesn't require a boy, it's solely based off of me and I'm so proud of that. Stay strong through no matter what obstacles life throws at you. Lots of love, -Sylvia.

Heartbreak

So there was this boy, he was a great boy... or so I thought. I was wrong. I dated him for 6 months, flew out to visit him twice and loved him unconditionally. We got along really well and had plans for the future which I held onto. Today I arrived in Slovakia but as I stepped off of the plane in Paris, I noticed that he blocked me on Tumblr and Facebook. I frantically texted him only to receive an immature reply of "I did warn you. But you thought you were different. Special. When all along, you were just another heart in my jar." I hate to break it to you hun, my heart is no longer yours. In fact, it never was. It hurts to lose him but I know its right. There are better people out there, I know I'll find them. I'm worth so much more than this pathetic excuse of a boyfriend. I'm worth it. I deserve it. I'll be okay. I am, after all, imperfectly perfect. "There's no such thing as failure" -Dream on Dreamer Love always, -me.

Back to school!

Hey guys, school started for me one week ago and it's already intense. I go to a college prep school (BASIS) and we already have 7 quizzes planned for this week. I hope I can make it through this year without breaking down too much! Is anyone here really good at chemistry? I may or may not need help. Thankfully AP Calculus and my other AP classes are going relatively well. I hope you all have a great school year! Remember: study hard and get A's. It's important. No matter how hard or stressful things will get, you can do it. I promise! Stand strong. Love always, -Sylvia <3