High School Doesn't Have to Suck

From the day I entered elementary school, I was dreaming about being a teenager in high school. High School Musical and Hannah Montana made me believe that high school was all about driving to cool places, spending weekends with friends at the beach and living a fun, carefree life. Here’s the problem: gas is expensive, I don’t live near a beach and I care too much to be carefree. When I finally entered freshman year, my magical high school dream came to a sudden halt. It felt as though I went from a fun, bubbly kid to a self-conscious teen within seconds. The girls had nicer hair, they were thinner, they wore makeup and then there was me- a kid. Within a few days I had made a group of friends and things started looking better (still no High School Musical though, where was all the lunchtime singing?). My AP Government teacher told me to join a club. A cute senior dragged me into speech and debate, and of course I agreed to join. I was awkward, soft-spoken and shy at first, but once I found myself in the community, my voice spoke for itself and I made new friends that I stayed with through high school. Slowly, I was finding myself within my school. But then the bullies came along. I didn’t understand why someone felt the need to call me names and then run off giggling about it, but I shrugged it off. Classes got harder and kids got ruder as the year progressed. Upperclassmen told me that I was just a freshman, things change. Things didn’t change. I changed my perspective. Sophomore year hit me before I could even comprehend that freshman year was over. I made the decision to take 6 advanced placement classes; quickly I learned that stress was a thing. I spent my days flustered over what I had to accomplish, typically achieving next to nothing. Had I simply sat myself down and made a list of all the things that need to be done, how they would be done and by when I would finish them, I would not have been a stressed mess. Disorganization was my worst enemy but laziness became my best friend. Junior year was by far the most difficult, but I learned more than I thought I possibly could, both about myself and within the world. I started an anti-bullying foundation within my school because I wanted to make a change. This is probably the highlight of the last 4 years of my life because I know that I can make a change; I can change something that very directly affected me. The ACT and SAT were creeping up on me, I had another butt-load of AP classes (I think this proves that we forget pain after it’s gone), I had 2 competitive sport but none of that mattered- I was alone. If I could go back and change one thing, it’s forgetting my friend because of trying to fill out a resume for a college application. The best moments from high school that I have made so far are the ones that involved my friends, even prom. So here’s a quick list for all those that are going into high school: Join a club and get involved with your school. Don’t gossip. I cannot stress this enough. Manage your load in a way that you know you can handle. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Get a planner and regularly write out what you have yet to do. Make time for yourself. High school is a hard time in everyone’s life, but it’s what we make it. In the words of Hannah Montana, “life’s what you make it so let’s make it right.” Wake up with a smile, knowing you can make a difference.

Don't Look Back

Sometimes, when things end, it's best to leave it at that and move on. The boy that I dated December 2014-June 2015 decided that it would be appropriate to message me again saying sorry. While I appreciate the gesture, it would have been better to leave things alone. The other day he told me he loves me. Something I find really irritating is that he throws those words around like candy. They're supposed to actually mean something, right? Don't come asking for me back when it was you who left. Don't come telling me I'm amazing, that's not what I want to hear. Tell me you're sorry and leave. Or don't come back in the first place. But don't you dare tell me you love me and want me back. You don't know what love is.

Secrets and Lies

We've all got our little secrets or white lies but when is it too much? In all honesty, I've been exploring the world around my through the eyes of someone else. I pretended to be someone else. I basically lived two lives: The one that all my friends were aware of, and the one that no one knew about. So basically only about 30% of people who talked to me regularly, actually knew me. The first round of my double life, I became too stressed out and decided to kill one of me. The second time around I got shut down and now I realize it was for the better. Whatever you're lying about, don't convince yourself that it's okay, it's not. Lots of love.

You Know You Have A Problem When...

You know you have a problem when you skip out on going out with friends just so you can weigh yourself. You know you have a problem when you weight yourself 7 times a day, even if all you've eaten is a grape. You know you have a problem when you get an anxiety attack over picking an item from the menu at a restaurant. You know you have a problem when you consume diet pills more regularly that food. You know you have a problem when all you think about is how much weight you have to lose. You know you have a problem when you workout 3 times a day for an hour and think thats still not enough. You know you have a problem when you join every pro-ana site you can find. You know you have a problem when you give speeches in speech and debate about the dangers of eating disorders and then continue to ignore the fact that you're seriously unhealthy. We ignore these problems in ourselves and in others. We think that we aren't sick enough because we haven't been through inpatient therapy. We think we don't have a problem because everyone ignores us. We think we are normal because we aren't underweight and thus we are too fat. This is real and it's happening all around. If some of us don't get help for an eating disorder, we will die. Anorexia kills 1/4 of sufferers. That is the most of any mental disorder. Why do we keep ignoring these things? Why do we keep ignoring the signs that are flashing in red right in front of our eyes? What is wrong with us? We need help. I need help. Eating disorders have been part of my life for years. I need help.

Back to school

It's time to go back! We've come so far. We can do this! I went hiking last weekend in the high tatras and it was like a dream. It was ethereal. I've got to admit I will greatly miss summer but I've made beautiful memories and I won't forget them. I've met amazing people and gone to wonderful new places creating lovely new experiences. I'm lucky I've gotten to see so much of the world at such a young age and I'm blessed with the best people. Thank you ❤️

Slovakian Adventures

This summer has been blissful. I've met so many wonderful people and have created so many new beautiful memories. I've explored a new faith and fallen in love with the world. My friend has been rooming with me for a week now and we decided to go for a Friday outing to go dancing and whatnot but 10 minutes into our adventure we were approached by boys in their low 20s.They said they were visiting Bratislava and wanted 2 pretty girls to show them around so we decided to show them to a few pubs. We ended up spending the whole night with them. My friend went off with one of them and I was stuck with the remaining 2 which wasn't bad but one of them was incredibly touchy which is awkward being taken and all. But it was a night I won't forget. I was flattered to have been approached. This summer I grew. I fell in love and opened my eyes. I'm ready to take on the next year and genuinely enjoy it. Thank you Slovakia. I love you.

Free at last

The thing with breakups is that it takes time. Before my ex and I broke up, I thought it would hurt endlessly to lose him but the thing is I'm free now. I'm free to be who I want to be. I can go to whatever university in whatever state I want to go to, not dictated by his choosing. He's going to certain university? I don't have to go there. He's going to live in a certain state? I don't have to live there. He's going to ignore me for days and then pretend it's all fine? I don't have to deal with that. He's going to make me feel like a pile of dirt because that's what he is? I no longer feel that. I'm free. But for any young girls reading this, if you feel like crap throughout a relationship, that is NOT okay. Don't let yourself be dragged down merely because you think you are in love. And if you hear someone say similar words as I'm saying, don't dare think you're the exception because guess what? You're not. I thought I was. I know now my relationship and feelings were no exception to the status quo. If you feel extreme anxiety and pain because someone is ignoring you and not showing you love, that should show to you nothing less than that you're worth more. I'm incredibly lucky to have my best friend back home, my family over in Slovakia and everyone else supporting me and my decisions. You're never alone. If you crave a relationship, build one on love and don't obsess. If fear is holding you back from loving someone, take a step back and breathe. Think about what really matters. Will you marry this boy/girl? Can you imagine a HAPPY future with them? Do they treat you as kindly as you treat them? Will they always treat you this way? Have they ever intentionally made you feel bad? Do you think about what they're doing with a tightness in your chest all day? Does it frustrate you when they're online but won't pick up the phone or text you? Think about these things. Especially if internally you're questioning your worth and the relationship. The one thing I've finally learned from my last wretched relationship is that I need to trust my feelings and that I'm worth so much more than I realize. But for once I can breathe. For once I don't feel the weight of the world in my heart, for once I'm not rushing to finish high school because my boyfriend is done. Finally I'm me. Finally I'm happy. And guess what? My happiness is not due to a boy. I'm free.

Self worth/thank you

Last week I attended a camp for Congressional Debate called SWSDI. I learned a lot about debate but more importantly I learned about myself. It's easy to think that no one loves you, or that no one cares, but SWSDI kids taught me otherwise. They made me realize that I am loved by many people and frankly if I left this world, they'd be affected. I realized that I am worthy. I gave a speech on self love and I wanted to take a minute out of your day to tell you to go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself that you are worthy, beautiful, smart, and most importantly, a boss ass bitch. Life is too short to hate yourself and honestly you're stuck in your body so you might as well love the one you've got. There is no one better at being you than you. Realize that there is someone out there that will love you forever. And you will love them too. If you dwell on how much you hate yourself, how can you possibly expect anyone to love you? You need to put yourself first for once. People DO care about you. I care about you. I would like to thank the people that helped me realize that life is worth living. I hope you all stay in my life forever. First off, my best friend Marggie. You're absolutely beautiful in every single way. You give me silly advice that makes me smile and almost makes the problem evaporate. You're the only person that would support me in moving to Jupiter if I wanted to. In fact, you'd move with me. I love you. Next are Patrick, Erin, and Aamirah. Now Aamirah and I have had our ups and downs but you still changed my view of myself. The three of you sat me down to tell me that I'm worthy. That there is a light inside of me that someone will appreciate. Thank you. Nicole, you made me see that I can escape my problems through music, much like you do. I rely on music to get me through some days and it reminds me of when we met at the Bury the Hatchet tour during Escape the Fate's set. I love you. Aaron, oh Aaron, you talk to me about silly little things that brighten my day just a little bit. You don't realize just how much these pointless conversations mean to me. Jay, you have shaped me as a debater and as a person. You've indirectly shown me to be confident in everything I do, not just my speeches. Robert, you have always had my back, since day one. I have never appreciated conversations more. You are one of my bestfriends and I love you. We have deep conversations but we also stay light on our feet. Thank you for listening to my rants and understanding me in a way that most can't. The beyond gorgeous Jocelyn has shown me that through the ups and downs of life, there are still people by my side. You were like my sister through the rough parts of life and you still continue to be there for me. Shay is just as much of a mess as I am but we lean on each other. I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're bored, I just think we need to take more time out of our days to thank the people that we love. Orion, you'e been here for me for the last five years and I hope you stay around. I'm always here for you, I hope you know that. Last but unquestionably not least is Leon. I love you so much I can't put it into words. Of course this isn't everyone, but these people shaped my life dramatically. And I thank them. Sorry for almost ranting. I am always here for you guys no matter what. Don't hesitate to contact me. Kik: sisogula Snapchat: rebelchild111

Warped Tour

Yesterday was he day for Warped in Arizona. Of course, I had to go. I bought tickets in November and have been waiting for yesterday all year. Sadly, last week my brother bailed on me (he was supposed to go but something came up.) I got to take my best friend. The day started with us standing in line at 9 in the morning. At 11 we were let in. I went to go buy things of course. I bought a pair of Vans, an Attila shirt, a Jeffree Star shirt, and then went to go watch Ghost Town and then Mayday Parade in order to kill time before I went to see the bands I genuinely cared about. First I met 2 members of my favorite band, Motionless in White. They signed the pictures I drew of them and that was it. Later, I went to go watch Atilla play. At 4:00 I met Jeffree Star. This man is the reason I am still standing strong and tall. Meeting him was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced at a concert. I told me he loved me and happily took the fan art that I drew for him. At 4:40 I watched Motionless in White until 5:00 when I went to go meet Attila. I had fan art for them to sign too and they loved it. They high fived me and told me it looked as if it was printed. Made my day. But the day only got better. While we were in line to meet Attila, I started talking to a guy. His name is Nathan. We got really close that night. I started feeling sick so I put my head down to get sun out of my face. He lifted my arms and hugged me for what seemed like forever. We hugged many times that night. He hugged me so tightly, I could feel my broken pieces being stuck back together. I really want to talk to him again. He genuinely made me smile. We ended up hanging out for about 5 hours.

Durango

I am going to Durango, Colorado with some classmates on Monday! Problem is, most of them absolutely hate me. Maybe I can fall into the river while rafting and no one will notice. This is so insanely stressful. I will try to make the most of this. After all, it might be fun and I'm just not giving it a chance! :) Remember to smile today!