Nothing is Permanent

I've been super busy doing things that are stressful, time consuming, or frankly things I'd rather not be doing. Every time I go to work I have to remind myself to smile and to be respectful because nothing is permanent. Every bad time passes, every final is at some point over, every job at one point ends and every feeling goes away whether it be good or bad. Through tough times, though its difficult, you have to remind yourself to smile and push through the storm because eventually, it WILL end.

Secrets and Lies

We've all got our little secrets or white lies but when is it too much? In all honesty, I've been exploring the world around my through the eyes of someone else. I pretended to be someone else. I basically lived two lives: The one that all my friends were aware of, and the one that no one knew about. So basically only about 30% of people who talked to me regularly, actually knew me. The first round of my double life, I became too stressed out and decided to kill one of me. The second time around I got shut down and now I realize it was for the better. Whatever you're lying about, don't convince yourself that it's okay, it's not. Lots of love.

You Know You Have A Problem When...

You know you have a problem when you skip out on going out with friends just so you can weigh yourself. You know you have a problem when you weight yourself 7 times a day, even if all you've eaten is a grape. You know you have a problem when you get an anxiety attack over picking an item from the menu at a restaurant. You know you have a problem when you consume diet pills more regularly that food. You know you have a problem when all you think about is how much weight you have to lose. You know you have a problem when you workout 3 times a day for an hour and think thats still not enough. You know you have a problem when you join every pro-ana site you can find. You know you have a problem when you give speeches in speech and debate about the dangers of eating disorders and then continue to ignore the fact that you're seriously unhealthy. We ignore these problems in ourselves and in others. We think that we aren't sick enough because we haven't been through inpatient therapy. We think we don't have a problem because everyone ignores us. We think we are normal because we aren't underweight and thus we are too fat. This is real and it's happening all around. If some of us don't get help for an eating disorder, we will die. Anorexia kills 1/4 of sufferers. That is the most of any mental disorder. Why do we keep ignoring these things? Why do we keep ignoring the signs that are flashing in red right in front of our eyes? What is wrong with us? We need help. I need help. Eating disorders have been part of my life for years. I need help.

Over thinking

Do you know what it's like to overthink? Let me tell you that it sucks. I personally am a very passionate person. Meaning I feel everything. Every little thing people say has an impact on me. This doesn't have to be a negative impact. For example saying that you adopted a puppy will make me feel a very strong fuzzy feeling. But when someone says they have to talk to me but they don't tell me why, that stresses me out so much that I want to drown. It's scary. I don't even know. Feelings suck. And yes, hormones rage in teenage bodies but hormones are not entirely to blame for emotions. Sometimes I wish I was numb. At least right now I wish I could be numb. Remember to smile.

What if...

What if I'm not enough? What if he finds someone else? What if she learns to hate me? What if I'm not the only one that hates me? What if there is someone better for him out there? What if I can't make it? What if I lied? What if I'm beautiful? What if I'm worthy? What if there's more to me than this pain? What if I do make it through? What if I can't move on? What if I can't let go? What if I need you? What if I love you? What if I lose you? I'll be okay.

Self worth/thank you

Last week I attended a camp for Congressional Debate called SWSDI. I learned a lot about debate but more importantly I learned about myself. It's easy to think that no one loves you, or that no one cares, but SWSDI kids taught me otherwise. They made me realize that I am loved by many people and frankly if I left this world, they'd be affected. I realized that I am worthy. I gave a speech on self love and I wanted to take a minute out of your day to tell you to go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself that you are worthy, beautiful, smart, and most importantly, a boss ass bitch. Life is too short to hate yourself and honestly you're stuck in your body so you might as well love the one you've got. There is no one better at being you than you. Realize that there is someone out there that will love you forever. And you will love them too. If you dwell on how much you hate yourself, how can you possibly expect anyone to love you? You need to put yourself first for once. People DO care about you. I care about you. I would like to thank the people that helped me realize that life is worth living. I hope you all stay in my life forever. First off, my best friend Marggie. You're absolutely beautiful in every single way. You give me silly advice that makes me smile and almost makes the problem evaporate. You're the only person that would support me in moving to Jupiter if I wanted to. In fact, you'd move with me. I love you. Next are Patrick, Erin, and Aamirah. Now Aamirah and I have had our ups and downs but you still changed my view of myself. The three of you sat me down to tell me that I'm worthy. That there is a light inside of me that someone will appreciate. Thank you. Nicole, you made me see that I can escape my problems through music, much like you do. I rely on music to get me through some days and it reminds me of when we met at the Bury the Hatchet tour during Escape the Fate's set. I love you. Aaron, oh Aaron, you talk to me about silly little things that brighten my day just a little bit. You don't realize just how much these pointless conversations mean to me. Jay, you have shaped me as a debater and as a person. You've indirectly shown me to be confident in everything I do, not just my speeches. Robert, you have always had my back, since day one. I have never appreciated conversations more. You are one of my bestfriends and I love you. We have deep conversations but we also stay light on our feet. Thank you for listening to my rants and understanding me in a way that most can't. The beyond gorgeous Jocelyn has shown me that through the ups and downs of life, there are still people by my side. You were like my sister through the rough parts of life and you still continue to be there for me. Shay is just as much of a mess as I am but we lean on each other. I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're bored, I just think we need to take more time out of our days to thank the people that we love. Orion, you'e been here for me for the last five years and I hope you stay around. I'm always here for you, I hope you know that. Last but unquestionably not least is Leon. I love you so much I can't put it into words. Of course this isn't everyone, but these people shaped my life dramatically. And I thank them. Sorry for almost ranting. I am always here for you guys no matter what. Don't hesitate to contact me. Kik: sisogula Snapchat: rebelchild111